Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Celebrity Drinks For The Non-Celebrity

Iced Oprah Chai Tea Latte vs Iced Emma Coffee With One Sugar And No Ice

Today I went to Starbucks. The person working seemed rather annoyed, but I got past that, because I knew Oprah would and also because I was ordering the Iced Oprah Chai Tea Latte.

I don't actually like chai tea, or lattes, and I wouldn't even consider myself to be an Oprah fan. I like Oprah more than Ellen but that is mostly because of that one Drake and Josh episode that she was in. But if a celebrity has a Starbucks drink named after them, we all know that it must be worth the four dollars and thirty five cents that it costs to drink it.

I ordered this drink with Great Expectations. Charles Dickens' 13th novel was literally in my hands. I also had many hopes and dreams for this beverage. I was operating under the assumption that upon consuming my Iced Oprah Chai Tea Latte I would immediately be called up by the lovely people over at Harpo Productions, Inc. and be offered my own show to be titled The Emma McLaughlin Show. This did not happen, and my hopes and dreams were subsequently crushed.

Instead I complained to my friend about how the drink was too sweet, which it was. I had to ask myself if this was really what Oprah had intended to do with this drink--disappoint young people who just want their own talk shows and/or eternal glory. I decided that this was probably not her intention.

I also must recognize that Oprah did do one thing right; it seemed to be an accurate representation of her. I actually do not know anything about Oprah except that she used to have a talk show and has a magazine and most of the information about her that I have written here is from an extremely reputable online encyclopedia. But, I do think, based on the magazine covers I see while waiting in the line at the grocery store that she is probably a cool/fun/generous person, and the Iced Oprah Chai Tea Latte seemed to emulate those adjectives just as well as the pictures of her smiling and laughing with her hair blowing in the wind do.

Which got me thinking about what kind of Starbucks drink I would have named after me if I were a successful person/celebrity/cool enough to have a namesake Starbucks drink. I like iced coffee black with no milk and just a little bit of sugar, but the problem is that they always give you too much ice, and if you are like me/only have $17 in your savings account this is a problem because that is valuable coffee space! That is why, if I had my own Starbucks drink, it would be none other than the Iced Emma Coffee With One Sugar And No Ice.

And lastly, it would include a warning that it would not guarantee you fame and fortune, or my devilish good looks. Just in case you are, like me, some kid from Ohio with hopes and dreams of making it big because of a Starbucks order.

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